Sunday, August 20, 2017

More soju redux

(I enjoyed soju with my barbecue.)

Yesterday, my sister-in-law took us out for dinner. It was our farewell meal. We had Korean barbecue. It included all the fixings such as sauteed onions, Chinese mushrooms, and kimchi. I stuffed my fat face with pork until I thought I would explode. The meat tasted fantastic. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju and a big glass of beer. A good time was had by all.

We returned home at 9 p.m. I took a shower and washed the grime from my filthy body. The Queen Elephant doesn't believe in air-conditioning. Plus electricity is simply too expensive here on the peninsula. During the summer, I usually just sit in front of a fan and sweat like a pig.

I watched the rest of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry.

He said, "Those pagans are much better fighters than the English. I like their style."

"I've got bad news for you."


"The English end up kicking their butts back to Scandinavia. Historically speaking."



And this is true. King Alfred opened up a can of whoop-ass on Ivar the Boneless back in the 9th century. With that said, I'd never make it as a Viking or a Saxon. I've got the drinking part down, but I fight like a girl. Oh well. What's a boy to do?

I paid homage to The Christ God. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. Then I went to sleep and had a crazy dream. I found myself relaxing in Pastor John MacArthur's bed and watching porno on a large screen television. Suddenly, my former boss barged into the apartment.

He smiled at me nervously. "Mr. Buffalo, you can't be here until April."

I said, "Don't worry. I'm only testing the place out."

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Antifa and other leftists shut down a free-speech rally in Boston. They're very proud of themselves, and the media is on their side. The First Amendment seems to be under fire in my nation.

I ate bacon and pancakes for dinner. Rice-Boy Larry had fish, rice, and ass-soup. That boy is a real Asian. I took him for a haircut before walking to the internet cafe. We leave for China tomorrow. I probably won't be able to blog for the next few days. I have to get the internet set up in my apartment.

God bless.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Live shrimp cooked on rock salt

(Shrimp are delicious in spite of the cruelty.)

Yesterday, I took my family to a seafood restaurant. We enjoyed live shrimp cooked on a bed of rock salt. The poor little suckers squirmed to and fro in the frying pan before turning pink and finally dying. The meal was delicious. I'm a big fan of shellfish. They bring me joy. I washed the vittles down with several large glasses of water. Sometimes, H2O is the only liquid which truly quenches my thirst. A good time was had by all.

We walked back to The Queen Elephant's house. I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all time. I'm currently at the part where Ragnar is put to death by King Aella. He's dumped into a pit filled with venomous vipers. It's not a pleasant way to go.

I wanted to call Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. But The Queen Elephant doesn't have WiFi in her apartment. It's like living in the Stone Age. I said my prayers and went to bed at two a.m. I dreamt about my dead uncle. He had a perm and a curly beard. The poor man looked ridiculous. I almost cried.

I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I turned on CNN International. Don Lemon shared some terrible news with the entire globe. Donald Trump and Steve Bannon have parted ways. I'm no longer a supporter of Trump. In fact, I don't support anybody. Bannon was the guy pushing Donald's populist agenda. Without Steve, my president is just another Marco Rubio with better jokes. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

I got into a fight with Miz Perfect. Her Grave's Disease makes her hormonal from time to time.

I said, "Who were you talking to on the telephone?"

She said, "It not you bidness."

I said, "OK. I was just asking."

She said, "It was my sista. She take us to dinna."

I was pleasantly surprised. "Where are we going?"

She said, "How da fluit should I know? Am I my sista? You da stoopid man."

I walked into the other room. I can't be bothered with squabbles. I'm just too fruiting old for the headaches often associated with marriage. I cherish peace.

I walked with Larry to the internet cafe. We stopped at the 7-11 to buy drinks. We purchased two cans of Pepsi. Larry is currently playing some video game while I write this stupid blog. We'll probably return home at 6 p.m. to get our free meal. I'll be in China in a couple of days--God willing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

More soju

(I drank more soju last night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. One of the biggest stories in China is Trump and the riot in Virginia. A young woman was killed when an angry Nazi ran her over with a car. 

Trump said that both sides--the alt-right and the loony left--were actively seeking violence on that tragic day. And now he's being crucified by the national media for his unwise choice of words. I must be a complete idiot, but I agree with the president. Those Antifa thugs look every bit as scary as the white supremacists. Both sides were beating the living crap out of each other. I'm just surprised that more people weren't killed in all the chaos.

And where were the cops? They were given orders to stand-down by the powers-that-be. Sometimes, the police need to keep control of a situation by kicking ass and taking names. They're the metaphorical sword which maintains law and order in society. Standing back and watching Rome burn simply isn't an option.

I spoke to Ken the Atheist using FaceTime. "Are you doing OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you have anything to tell me?"

"Not really."

"How's school?"

"School's OK."

"Do you have a favorite class?"


"I'll call you tomorrow."


Ken the Atheist is a great son, even though he's going to hell. I shouldn't make those kind of jokes. I'm sure he'll find God when he gets older. He's a good student, and he doesn't smoke or drink. Ken wants to be a registered nurse in the future. Good for him.

Miz Perfect drove to Daejeon with her mother. She had to cancel our phones. We broke the contracts early, so we were forced to pay over a thousand dollars in penalties and bills. The Queen Elephant gave us the money to cover the nut. It was her farewell present.

Rice-Boy Larry and I went to the internet cafe. He loves to play computer games. He can do it for hours and hours and hours. Meanwhile, I wrote my stupid blog and listened to more sermons by Pastor John MacArthur. I find his style of speech spellbinding. He's very macho.

Miz Perfect met us at the PC Room at 6:30 p.m. The Queen Elephant then took us to a restaurant in her snazzy Audi sports car. We had barbecue pork. The meal was delicious. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. I became quite drunk. A good time was had by all.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. Rollo defeats Ragnar once again, making him the hero of Paris. Vikings is one of my favorite shows of all-time. I absolutely love it.

I prayed to God and laid down in bed. I slept like the dead.   

Thursday, August 17, 2017

My last soju

(I'm sick and tired of soju.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, and we ran out of coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A criminal gang from Beijing was busted for stealing neighborhood dogs. These thugs butchered the animals and sold the meat to local restaurants at cheap prices. They could spend many years in prison for their crimes. I'm not a big animal guy. A few less dogs in the world is just what the doctor ordered. But what do I know?

Miz Perfect went to Daejeon to visit her sister. She gave me a few bucks to bring Rice-Boy Larry to the internet cafe. He played games for hours and hours. Meanwhile, I watched several YouTube videos featuring the sermons of Pastor John MacArthur. His style of public speaking is spellbinding. I could listen to him talk all day.

Miz Perfect called. "I not come home till rate. Bling Rarry to Homeprus for da pitsa."

I said, "OK."

Homeplus is right across the street from this particular establishment. We walked to the basement of the department store and ordered a medium pepperoni pizza with no cheese. I never eat the stuff. It makes me ill.

The woman behind the counter kept touching Larry's cheeks. She was fascinated by the fact that a little white man could speak her language like a native. She couldn't get enough of him.

The meal was quite delicious, and it only came to ten dollars. I washed the vittles down with a big plastic bottle of Sprite. Then we returned to the PC room. I wrote my stupid blog while Rice-Boy played more games. He had a great time.

We finally made our way home at nine p.m. I was in the mood for a beer. But beer in Korea is very expensive. A domestic tall-boy costs over two dollars at most stores. The price is simply ridiculous. So I purchased soju instead. 

I'm simply tired of soju. I'm never going to drink the stuff again. I looked up the price of beer in China, and it's cheaper than America. I plan to spend the rest of my days guzzling Tsingtao and Harbin in the comfort of my apartment. Praise the Lord!

(I'm going to be a beer-head once again.)

I said my prayers and went to bed at one a.m. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Another trip to Daejeon

(We went to Daejeon once again.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house and access to freshly brewed Joe is limited. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. Two Chinese men decided that they wanted to barbecue sparrows for dinner. So they called a friend, and together they slaughtered more than fifty of the birds.

However, killing more than twenty wild animals at a time is illegal in China. The three men now face five years in prison for their crime. That seems harsh to me. The world has too many sparrows to begin with. Those filthy little creatures spread disease and destroy crops. Therefore, we desperately need men who are willing to eat them. Eating sparrows is a win-win situation for everybody.

We took a bus to Daejeon. Rice-Boy Larry wanted to go roller-skating. It was pissing rain outside. The first place we stopped was a Japanese restaurant for lunch. I had a huge bowl of soup. The meal was excellent. I washed the vittles down with a couple bottles of Kirin beer.

After that, we went shopping. I bought two pairs of dress shoes for my new job. I also purchased a pair of plastic Birkenstock sandals. They're actually quite comfortable. The Birkenstocks were on sale for twenty-nine dollars. Meanwhile, the dress shoes came to nearly 200 bucks.

I said, "That's too expensive. We should check Shanghai for bargains."

Miz Perfect said, "You da stoopid man. You not have da shoe. What you wear to work on Tuesday?"

I acquiesced.

After that, we made our way through the raindrops to a large department store. The elevator took us to the fourth floor. It turned out to be a skating rink.

Rice-Boy Larry skated for over two hours. At first, he was horrible. But he started to get the hang of things in about fifteen minutes. He went around and around and around in circles while listening to K-pop blaring over the loudspeakers. Good for him.

We met some old friends later in the evening. One of them asked if I had any parting words of wisdom.

I said, "God's a mystery. That's all I know."

We finally arrived home at 10:30 p.m. I prayed and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Costco in Korea is closed on Sundays...sometimes

(Costco is often forced to close its doors on Sundays.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of genuine Coca-Cola. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, so I don't always have access to freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be are now allowing their citizens to have more than one baby. Consequently, lots of older ladies are showing up pregnant at the local hospitals. This is causing problems because age and birth-defects often go hand-in-hand.

Miz Perfect asked me to go with her to Costco. I agreed. I didn't have much choice. I try to keep the peace. The Queen Elephant came with us. She drove us to downtown Daejeon in her brand new Audi. The volume of the navigation system gave me a splitting headache. Somehow, my mother-in-law screwed things up by playing with the buttons.

My wife forgot it was Sunday. Costco was closed. Major retail chains are forced to shut  their doors two Sundays per month. The Korean government passed this law so that smaller supermarkets could make an extra buck or two.

The Queen Elephant offered to pay for lunch. We went to an all you can eat barbecue joint. I ate lots of pork. In Korea, the customers cook their own meat right at the table. It's actually a lot of fun.

(Eating in Korea is fun.)

Miz Perfect said, "Do you want da soju?"

"No. I'll just have water."

It was too early for soju. I don't like to drink until after six p.m.

The meal was delicious. I stuffed my face like a filthy pagan. The juice from the meat ran down my fat chin and stained my clothing.

My wife gave me the stink-eye. "You da pig."

I didn't return her insult. Instead, I just smiled like a retarded infant. I'm wonderful that way.

We finished our meal and drove to a butcher shop. Miz Perfect bought a ton of beef for me and Rice-Boy Larry. We didn't eat it yesterday. We were too busy watching Vikings, and neither of us was hungry. So I'll prepare it tonight when I get home.

The Queen Elephant's house is pretty much empty for the next day or so. Therefore, I have the run of the place. Perhaps I'll get drunk as I feast. That sounds like a good plan.

Anyway, God bless everybody. I'll talk to you later.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Buying an apartment in Sejong City

(Sejong City is very beautiful at night.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 11 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I'm still at The Queen Elephant's house, but we now have a coffee maker. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The UFC is coming to Shanghai. The featured bout on the card is Anderson Silva versus Kelvin Gastelum. I'm a huge fan of mixed martial arts. All that blood turns me on. However, I will be forced to view the event from the comfort of my living room. The cost for tickets is outrageous. I simply can't swing it.

I watched several episodes of Vikings with Rice-Boy Larry. He's now a huge fan of the show. We are currently on the episode where Ragnar is fighting for control of Mercia.

The phone rang. It was Miz Perfect.

"Hully! Put on da crothes. I meet you soon."

I said, "Where are the clothes?"

She said, "Neva mind. I come up."

My wife came storming into the house five minutes later.

"We must hully. Dey waiting."

"Who's waiting?"

"My mudda and aunt. We go Sejong City to rook at apartment."

I got dressed. Then we climbed into The Queen Elephant's Audi and sped away. The trip took about forty minutes. It was very uncomfortable. My mother-in-law must have screwed around with the volume in her navigation system, and the voice was so loud that it literally gave me a headache.

The apartment turned out to be quite impressive. Plus Sejong looks absolutely marvelous--especially at night. The city is still an infant. It's supposed to turn into the new Seoul. I'm a bit skeptical. But, with that said, Seoul is way too close to North Korea, so the government has to do something.

We won't be living in our new digs. The place is strictly for investment purposes. We'll rent it and use the money to pay the monthly nut. After ten years, we'll sell it and hope to Christ that we don't go broke.

I got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.