Sunday, July 30, 2017


(The fireworks got canceled.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A gambler from Shanghai lost his life savings. So he targeted a woman and her infant son in order to make a few bucks. He held a knife to the throat of the child and demanded that Mom give him cash. This happened in the basement parking garage of a Carrefour department store. The thief ran away with approximately $800. However, he was soon apprehended by the powers-that-be. This scoundrel is currently in jail on charges of robbery.

We decided to walk to the beach in order to view a fireworks display.

Ken the Atheist protested. "I'm going back to America in three days. You should do what I ask. That's the polite way."

I said, "What's your plan?"

"Let's go to the PC Room."

Miz Perfect became frustrated. "You pray too much computa game. It not healthy."

"But I get good grades."

"I not care."

We began humping it toward our destination. However, it was real humid outside, so my wife hailed a taxi. The ride came to five dollars. We ate overpriced shellfish at a seaside restaurant. The kids also devoured a huge plate of noodles with hot sauce and squid-bits. I kept my distance.

I said, "What time do the fireworks start. Heck, we can just sit here and watch."

Miz Perfect said, "It not start till nine. Ret's dwink copee. I have da coupon for Starbuck."

I hate Starbucks, but I decided not to argue. I drank a cup of overpriced Earl Gray tea while the boys played with their smart phones. My wife became angry.

"Put da phone away."

Ken said, "Why? This is Starbucks. Everybody plays with their phones."

We finally made our way to the beach. There was an announcement in Korean over the loud speakers. My wife frowned.

I said, "What happened?"

"Da firework cancel. Too much lain. Dat suck."

We caught a taxi back to our apartment. I watched the latest episodes of Snowfall and The Mist. I had a good time. Then I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Graves' Disease

(Graves' Disease is no walk in the park.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese Super League is facing a crisis. Many of the teams haven't paid their players in a timely fashion. In fact, thirteen professional soccer clubs are currently in arears, including the two squads from Shanghai. If the bills aren't resolved by August, the teams will be relegated to the first division.

We drove to Daejeon. My wife had to visit the doctor once again because of her Graves' Disease. The blood test showed signs of hope. Her hormone levels have dropped quite precipitously. But that could lead to another problem--namely hypothyroidism. The side effects are weight gain and depression. So she'll have to return to the hospital in October for another test. Graves' Disease is no walk in the park. All those hormone blitzes lead to serious mental and physical problems. The last three years have been hell. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful. And why not? We live in the age of medical miracles.

We ate lunch at a meat buffet. My sister-in-law met us at the restaurant. This particular establishment served chicken, pork, and beef. I drank two bottles of soju with the meal. I became quite intoxicated.

My sister-in-law's husband owns a PC Room. This made Ken the Atheist very excited. He's addicted to computer games.

Ken said, "Let's go visit for a couple of hours."

I said, "No. We should probably go home."

Sadly, nobody listens to me. I had to sit with the kids as they played Overwatch. Meanwhile, Miz perfect shopped with her sister. It wasn't terrible. I was given free cups of gourmet coffee.

I called my wife.

"We should take the children to a baseball game. Hanwha is playing LG tonight at the stadium."

She agreed. However, Ken went nuts.

He said, "I'm not watching that crap. I hate sports."

I said, "You're a filthy junkie. All you want to do is play with technology twenty-four hours a day. We need to get you out into the sunlight."

"I don't like the sunlight."

Rice-Boy Larry decided to chime in. "Baseball sucks, Dad. We want to go home after this."

I was very disappointed, but I decided to acquiesce. There's nothing written in stone proclaiming that all boys should love sports. And both my kids do well in school. I suppose that's a blessing in itself. Nevertheless, it would be nice to have someone to watch a game with from time to time.

We arrived home at 6 p.m. I ate shrimp fried rice. It was good. Then I viewed American Crime Story for several hours. After that, I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Selling fake water in Shanghai

(A Chinese man was busted for selling fake water in Shanghai.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man from Shanghai got arrested by the police for selling fake water. He had lots of plastic containers and put fake labels on them like Nestle. After that, he filled the containers with tap water. If he had succeeded with his scheme, he would have made more than $22,000. The world is filled with risk-takers. For better or worse, I've never had the balls to break the law.

I watched several episodes of American Crime Story. The show is first-rate. It comes with my highest recommendation. It's about the O.J. Simpson trial. The story was big news back when I was in my early twenties. O.J. slaughtered his wife and Ron Goldman with a large kitchen knife. He was so angry at the time that he almost decapitated both of his victims. However, he got a free pass because the black jury wanted to poke the Los Angeles police department right in the eye. They were still angry after the whole Rodney King debacle.

Ken the Atheist rolled out of bed at 11 a.m.

He said, "I'm going to meet my friends downtown. I'll be back sometime tonight."

I said, "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

He said, "That's OK. I have money."

Ken walked out the door.

He's going back to America soon. It's a strange thing. When my boy's in the United States, I actually talk to him more than when he visits Korea. FaceTime and Facebook are marvelous. We talk for hours, and it costs nothing. Technology rocks.

Rice-Boy Larry spoke to me at four p.m. He said, "Dad, do you want to go watch 47 Meters with me and Mom at the movies?"

I said, "What's it about?"

He said, "Two girls get caught at the bottom of the ocean and get eaten by sharks."

"I think I'll pass."

I simply didn't have the juice. Sometimes, I must stay home in order to restore my batteries. I'm not some young spring chicken.

Miz Perfect left me dinner on the kitchen table. She made pork sandwiches with French bread. I love French bread. I devoured the food in seconds flat. Then I washed the vittles down with several glasses of generic cola. I'm a broke dead dick, so I can't afford the good stuff.

At 1 a.m., I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept well.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Overpriced South Korea

(Ashley is overpriced and mediocre at best.)

Yesterday, I woke up at noon and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. There's a huge heatwave in Shanghai. So far, the extreme weather has claimed four lives. Many Chinese citizens are seeking relief by sleeping outside next to the river. Unfortunately, they're leaving their garbage on the public roadways. This is driving the local police crazy. The powers-that-be believe that the unsightly pollution might hurt tourism.

We left the love motel at 1 p.m. and drove back to our humble abode in our nine-year-old Santa Fe. I've never had a single problem with my SUV. Diesel engines last forever. If you move to Korea and purchase a Santa Fe, you could do a hell of a lot worse. The vehicle is very dependable.

We went to a restaurant called Ashley. It features an American-style buffet. The eatery has a Gone With the Wind motif. Ashley is the character played by the late-great Leslie Howard. He's the one with whom Scarlett is in love. I truly hate Ashley. The buffet costs nearly $20 per person, and the food is usually complete crap. But I'm often forced to go there because Rice-Boy Larry loves the joint.

We walked to a store called Shoopen to shop for clothes. I bought four short-sleeved collared shirts for $120. I told Miz Perfect not to purchase them.

I said, "It's too expensive in Korea. Let's wait till we get to China."

She said, "What you wear to work?"

I said, "I'll wear something cheaper."

She said, "You shut da mouth."

I saw a pair of olive-colored shoes that I liked, but the shop didn't have them in my size.

We got home at 9 p.m. I listened to Yes on YouTube. The group jammed with Geddy Lee. Geddy is a great bass player. He's the lead singer for a group called Rush. I like them, too.

I'm really happy that I'm moving to China. Quite frankly, I need a change. I hear that the food in Shanghai is both delicious and affordable. I can't wait to try the fare.

I prayed to God and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lotte Water Park

(I'm not a huge fan of Lotte Water Park in Gimhae.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A Chinese woman named Cheng took her three-year-old daughter to an amusement park. The little girl became fascinated by a ride which featured spinning seats shaped like coconuts. She reached out to touch the ride and was struck in the head. She suffered a blood clot in her brain. Luckily, the doctors were able to remove the clot. However, the procedure was expensive, costing more than $26,000.

We drove to Gimhae to visit Lotte Water Park. Perhaps I'm a Grinch, but I found the place to be a giant rip-off. Four tickets came to $170, and we weren't even allowed to sit on a beach chair. The powers-that-be charged us another $20 for that privilege. A thunder storm hit, and we tried to take refuge under a wooden platform that had a roof. However, we were kicked out because the platforms actually cost $150 to rent for the day.

We spent the night in a love motel. These are places where young Koreans go to fornicate. But the price was right, so I didn't complain. I paid less than $50. You can't beat that. Plus the room was clean and spacious. It featured a large flat-screen television and a computer. South Korea is an expensive country. However, love motels are truly a bargain.

Miz Perfect asked the desk clerk to lead her to a good sashimi restaurant. That kind of pissed me off a bit. We live on a peninsula which is dotted with raw fish establishments. It's not like we needed a guide. Furthermore, the guy sat down and ate with us. He simply wouldn't go away.

I said, "Tell him that he has a huge snot hanging out of his nose."

And this was true. It was putting me off of my dinner.

She said, "I not tell him. It imporite."

"Then I'll tell him."

"You shut da mouth."

I drank a lot of soju, and eventually his unsightly booger became a non-issue.

After sashimi, we walked to a nearby McDonald's. We bought several Big Macs and French fries for the children. I ordered five apple pies. I noticed that Miz Perfect was talking to the girl at the counter in English.

I scolded her. "Use Korean or she'll get the order wrong."

The girl said, "I studied in America for several years. I'm not going to get the order wrong."

I said, "Sorry, I didn't realize you knew the language so well."

We walked back to the motel. I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow. But Rice-Boy Larry started crying in the middle of the night. I thought that he was hurt or something. Maybe he had been bitten by an insect.

I said, "What's wrong?"

He said, "I had a dream."

I said, "What did you dream about?"

He said, "I dreamt that you sold me for $60."

"Only 60 bucks? I could get a better deal than that."

I put my head back on the pillow. I slept like the dead.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Dang Dang Chicken

(I will miss Dang Dang Chicken.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. The Chinese powers-that-be recently closed down over 3000 websites. This little tidbit of information is certainly not surprising. After all, the PRC isn't known as a bastion of freedom. But I'm a little concerned for the fate of this blog. I recently purchased a VPN, so I should be able to get around the Great China Firewall. However, only time will tell.

One of my former coworkers called me. He managed to fix my Surface Pro Three. The guy did it free of charge. Talk about a gentleman.

I currently have two apartments. One belongs to my former employer, and the other I bought four-years-ago using my own cash. We drove to my employer's apartment in my nine-year-old Santa Fe. I mention this in passing. I've never had a bit of trouble with my SUV. Diesel engines last forever.

Anyway, it was time to clean. The amount of crap we managed to accumulate over the span of a decade was astounding. Luckily, one of our neighbors wanted the stuff in order to sell it at a local flea-market. She stopped by in a flatbed truck, and the boys and I loaded it up.

Ken said, "Why are we giving her our belongings? We could sell it ourselves and make a few bucks."

I said, "Do you know anything about Korean flea-markets?"


"Exactly. Trust me. That old lady is doing us a favor. You want to haul all that garbage up four flights of stairs?"

"Good point."

My other apartment doesn't have an elevator.

Later, we drove to Dang Dang Chicken. We ordered drumsticks and spicy rice cake. I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju and a pitcher of beer. I'm a terrible glutton. My appetite knows no bounds.

I said, "Never use those stupid machines at McDonald's. They put people out of work."

Ken the Atheist frowned. "Why are we talking about McDonald's at a chicken house?"

"I'm just trying to educate you boys. Those damn ordering machines put people out of work."

Ken said, "Corporations have a right to save money. Those folk need to find real jobs."

Rice-Boy Larry said, "That's right, Dad. Let them find real jobs."

Both my sons are a couple of dirty elitists.

We arrived home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Sunday, July 23, 2017


(Ozark is another great television show.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A building in Shanghai collapsed, injuring one person and killing five others. The structure used to be a bank. It was slated for demolition in the near future. The Chinese powers-that-be are currently investigating the accident.

I read the Shanghai newspaper every day. Lots of people in China die from accidents. I'll have to be very careful.

Miz Perfect went downtown to meet her friends for coffee. She left several bacon sandwiches on the kitchen table. They were delicious. She made them with French bread. I love French bread. The kids and I devoured the fare in record time. My children have the table manners of the average Korean male. Those of you who live on the peninsula know exactly what I'm talking about. I suppose the table manners in China will be comparable. Heck. Maybe worse. But that's OK. I'm also a disgusting filthy slob. So I harbor no ill-will.

Ken the Atheist went to the PC room. Soon, he shall return to America. He leaves on the 31st of July. He's taking a lot of high level courses. For instance, he's in honors algebra II and honors biology. I was a crappy high school student. In fact, I never opened a book. Therefore, I'm quite proud of his academic success.

I watched several episodes of a show called Ozark. It's about a crooked investor who runs afoul of a drug lord. He moves his family to rural Missouri in order to save his skin. The program is excellent. It stars Jason Bateman and Laura Linney. 

Movies really suck these days unless you're into Ironman and the rest of the trash. All the serious work is being done on television. The upside is that a person doesn't have to be a star to get a juicy role. Just look at Brian Cranston and James Gandolfini. They made the names Walter White and Tony Soprano world famous. Meanwhile, Oscar-winning artists like Robert Downey Jr. are too busy playing superheroes for bags of cash.

Miz Perfect returned at 6 p.m. She prepared chicken soup for dinner. The broth was full of rice and ginseng. It tasted excellent. My wife's a wonderful cook. She excels in all things feminine.

She said, "We must wake up earry tomollow."

I said, "Why?"

"Are you stoopid? We must crean da school apart-ah."

And she's correct. The school wants its apartment back. It doesn't have to be spic and span. In fact, Korean movers usually handle the cleaning duties. But my poor wife is obsessed with dust and grime. She won't be happy until the entire world is spotless.

I said my prayers at one a.m. Then I climbed into bed and slept like the dead.

Saturday, July 22, 2017


(Dunkirk isn't as good as Game of Thrones.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A man from Shanghai named Yao was bitten by a neighborhood dog. He failed to visit the hospital in a timely fashion. Two months later, he died from rabies. The Chinese powers-that-be are currently killing all the stray dogs and cats in Yao's neighborhood. I'm in full agreement with the government. The disease is often fatal for infected humans. Better to snuff the threat out now before other innocent people die.

Miz Perfect and I drove to the national pension office. We left the children at home. I had to fill out a few papers and show the guy my bank account. My pension will be deposited in the account about a week after I leave the country. The whole process was pretty painless. Miz Perfect and I are thinking about buying a small apartment in Daejeon. We'll rent it out until we decide to return to the peninsula.

On the way home, Miz Perfect said, "Rets go to da movie. You rike Dunkirk. It about war."

I said, "OK."

It turned out that the kids didn't want to go. I let Ken the Atheist off the hook and gave him permission to spend the evening at the PC room.

Miz Perfect said, "He pray too much computa game."

I said, "He's almost old enough to join the army. Leave him alone."

However, I forced Rice-Boy Larry to come with us. The poor kid cried like a woman. However, he's only nine-years-old and is far too young to stay alone at the apartment.

The film was damn good. Chris Nolan directed it. He's the same guy who directed Batman with Heath Ledger. But here's the problem. Movies are now passé. All the exciting stuff is being done on television. For instance, you can't compare Dunkirk with Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. The latter are simply far better. Talented men like Nolan have to get with the times and realize that the small screen will give them lots of artistic freedom to produce their masterpieces.

We went to a restaurant for raw fish. I'm a big fan of sashimi. But it's overpriced here on the peninsula. A little bit of dead flounder costs a ton of money. I drank two bottles of soju with my meal. I became a quite drunk.

I turned to Larry. "Did you know that Dad's people stood up to the Nazis? My grandfather's ship was sunk by a German U-boat. He spent several hours swimming in the North Atlantic before being rescued."

He said, "Is that true?"

"Yes. He lived until he was eighty-five. He finally died of heart failure."

"What did Mom's family do during the war?"

"They supported the Nazis and the Imperial Japanese."

Miz Perfect gave me the stink-eye. "You such da idiot."

I should probably quit drinking.

We got home at 11 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Game of Thrones

(Ramsay Snow is one of my favorite characters.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break. A mentally retarded woman from Shanghai tried to kill her child with a hammer. She claimed it was an act of mercy. She was worried that the boy wouldn't survive if she died. Luckily, the kid only sustained minor injuries. Mom was given a three year prison sentence for her crime.

I walked with Miz Perfect to the dentist. That's one of the great things about living in Korea. You don't have to drive all over the place. My dentist gave me ample Novocain and proceeded to drill and buff my bad tooth. He managed to save the nerves. Today, I'm in a little bit of pain. But I'm a big tough American man, so I should be able to suck it up. In the future, I'll need dentures. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll die a toothless old hillbilly. Oh well. What's a boy to do?

Rice-Boy Larry went to another party. He's an extremely popular boy. I stayed home and watched Game of Thrones. I'm almost done with season six. One of my favorite characters is Ramsay Snow. He's a very bad man without a conscience. He even feeds his newly born brother to the hounds. Anyway, Sansa Stark gets her revenge. She turns the table on Ramsay, and the villain has his face chewed off by his very own beloved dogs. Game of Thrones is filled with buckets of blood. I love it.

Ken the Atheist rolled out of bed at 2 p.m. He walked past me and farted. It was a wet smelly atrocity.

I said, "That's disgusting."

He said, "Sorry, but I'm only human."

I said, "Do you have any plans today?"

"I'm meeting friends."

"Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

"I'm OK. I have money."

Ken put his clothes on and left the apartment. He's enjoying a great vacation. Soon, he'll be back in America. His school starts on August tenth. He wants to be a registered nurse.

I got an email from China. I was told to bring Rice-Boy Larry's original birth certificate to Shanghai for his S-visa. I explained the problem. Larry's birth certificate is the property of the Korean government. It's part of his family registry. I can only get copies.

China soon realized the error. I've already sent an authenticated family record. It seems that this document will do just fine. Paperwork for living on the Mainland is a true pain in the ass. But things are progressing nicely in spite of the confusion.

Later that night, I said my prayers on bended knees. Then I slept like the dead.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Ass Soup

(Ass Soup could gag a maggot.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the newspaper while enjoying a bathroom break. According to The Times, the physically and mentally challenged in North Korea are routinely put to death. I'm not surprised. Even in South Korea, you don't see many crippled or retarded people. I suspect that most are aborted in their mothers' wombs. Korean society demands excellence. Losers simply aren't tolerated.

I went to the dentist. I have a bad tooth. The dental assistant didn't want to take me at first. She said that I had complained too much during my previous visit a month earlier. I was about to leave, but Miz Perfect had other plans. She demanded service and accused the woman of racism. Eventually, the dentist sat me in a chair and began his inspection. Luckily, my tooth can be saved. He told me to return the next day.

We drove to a local hospital to get Rice-Boy Larry's shot records. His new Chinese school requires them. It turned out that he needed one more injection for Hepatitis A.

Ken the Atheist started laughing. "It's going to hurt, Larry. And you're going to cry like a little baby."

But Larry never shed a tear. He's tough like his dad.

After that, it was time for lunch. We went to Muso once again and enjoyed the all-you-can-eat beef barbeque. I stuffed my face like a grotesque fat man. The hot juice from the meat ran down my chin and left several stains on my clothing. Table manners have never been my forte.

Then it was time for our haircuts. Ken and I just got a regular cut which took no time at all. But Rice-Boy Larry opted for a perm. Even though he's only nine-years-old, he likes to look good. The procedure took over two hours.

Ken the Atheist decided to go to the PC room. He's addicted to a game called Overwatch. Meanwhile, Miz Perfect and I visited a soju hoff. She ordered a large bowl of Ass Soup. Ass Soup is my generic term for most Korean stews. Why? They all smell like ass. Ass Soup could literally gag a maggot. God knows how they eat it.

We arrived home at 10 p.m. I said my prayers and went to bed. I slept like the dead.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Asperger's Syndrome

(I can't get the hamburger out of my ass.)

Yesterday, I had this terrible dream about being in prison. Several grown men blocked my way as I tried to go to the cafeteria. They told me that they were going to rape me. I reported their behavior to the prison pastor, but she just gave me an evil smirk. I also told the guards, but they said it wasn't their problem. I suddenly remembered that I'm a 250 pound healthy man. I used my fists to beat these criminals into submission. It felt great.

I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read Facebook while enjoying a bathroom break. A drug deal went wrong in Pennsylvania. Four young men tried to buy marijuana from two dangerous psychopaths. The psychopaths murdered all four and buried their bodies on a spacious farm. The two criminals agreed to cooperate with police to avoid the death penalty. They will spend the rest of their lives in prison.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry went to an outdoor swimming pool. Larry's school friends were there, too. These little parties cost a lot of money. I can't wait till I go to China. Miz Perfect can't speak a word of Chinese, so she'll have a tough time making friends with the Asian mothers. This lack of communication should save me a few bucks.

I was supposed to go to school. I need to clean my classroom. Plus I have lots of i's to dot and t's to cross. But I was just too lazy. I stayed home and watched television instead. I'm currently enjoying the American version of Mad Dogs. It's about four regular guys who get caught up in a drug deal gone bad. The setting is Belize. The show comes with my highest recommendation.

My eldest son Ken woke up at 3 p.m. He drank several bottles of water.

He said, "I'm going to the PC room."

I said, "Aren't you hungry?"

"No. Mom's food is giving me the runs."

"So what are you going to eat?"

"Tell her to buy me some fast food. I'll be home at eleven."

He walked out the door.

Ken often breaks the law. Minors are supposed to leave the PC room at 10 p.m. But he pretends that he doesn't speak Korean, so the manager just lets him stay.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry returned at 9:45 p.m. She brought home two Big Macs and two large orders of French fries. My wife's a clean freak, so she had to lay down newspaper on the coffee table before serving the fare. The meal was delicious. I love junk food.

Ken showed up about an hour later. He got very excited when he saw the McDonald's bag.

He pumped his fist in the air and yelled, "Hell yes!"

Ken looked at me. "I'm going to ask you a strange question."


"Do you think I have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"No. There's nothing wrong with you."

"You don't even know what Asperger's Syndrome is."

"Sure I do."

"What is it?"

"It's when you have a hamburger stuck up your ass, and you can't get it out."

"That's stupid."

I shrugged my shoulders. Then I said my prayers and went to bed.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Never get out of the boat

Yesterday, Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry went to another party. Larry's friends are all rich. Their fathers are doctors and professors. Sadly, I'm just a poor working man. In fact, I'm so broke that I often drink generic cola. It's tough to keep up with the Joneses. I hope Larry becomes a member of the proletariat when he moves to China. Maybe I'll be able to save a buck or two.

I was supposed to go to school in order to clean up my classroom. There are many i's to dot and t's to cross. But I was just too lazy. I watched Game of Thrones instead. The show was wonderful as usual. The young Stark girl is becoming quite the accomplished assassin. She kills all of Walder's men with poisoned wine. Meanwhile, The Hound is growing a conscience. He shows remorse by burying two of his former victims and praying over their corpses. But I will say this. If Jon Snow wins the throne, I shall defecate right in my hat. That boy should still be dead.

I also viewed UFC Fight Night 113. Gunnar Nelson, the karate-guru from Iceland, got his butt kicked by a dude from Argentina. Nelson was put to sleep due to several successive right hands. That's what I love about mixed martial arts. Everybody takes a beating from time to time--even the stars of the sport. I used to think that MMA was a white trash sausage-festival. But then I had the pleasure of watching Jon Bones Jones work his magic. He lifts fighting to an art form.

Ken woke up at 3 p.m. He sleeps days while visiting the peninsula. Why? He enjoys the PC Room. The poor child's an addict. He plays Overwatch all night long. Things could always be worse. At least he's not hooked on drugs. Ken's on the honor roll, so I cut him lots of slack. I was never on the honor roll. He wants to be a registered nurse.

He said, "Dad, I'm going out."

I said, "Can I make you breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry."

"OK. See you later."

He walked out the door.

I ate several pounds of left-over fried chicken and drank many bottles of Belgian pilsner. I'm a big fat slob. My gluttony knows no bounds. I want to stop being such a pig. My goal is to become less like Homer Simpson and more like Atticus Finch. I have faith. Anything is possible with the Lord on your side.

Speaking of God...There are two instances in the Bible where Peter steps out of the boat. The first is when he witnesses Jesus walking on water. Christ calls for his servant, and Peter follows. He walks on the sea successfully for a couple of steps. Then he sinks like a stone. The second time comes at the end of The Gospel of John. Peter sees the risen Christ cooking fish along the shore of Galilee. He jumps out of the boat and swims to his master. Jesus tells Peter that his own crucifixion in Rome is right around the corner.

What's the lesson of the story? Stay in the boat if you value your life. I bring this up because of my move to China. Nobody lives forever, so there is no point in valuing your existence too much. Plus you can't take your money with you when you die. Therefore, it actually makes sense to store your treasure in heaven. This change in location is my feeble attempt to step out of the boat.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry came home at 9 p.m. I took a shower and said the Lord's Prayer. Then I went to bed.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Domestic Abuse

(Grave's Disease is hell.)

Yesterday, Miz Perfect wanted to go shopping, so we drove to the local Homeplus. The place was quite busy. It was almost impossible to find a parking spot. My wife kept using bad language to express her dismay, but I managed to keep my cool. Soon, I'll be in Shanghai. The city's population is 24 million. I must get used to crowds, or I'll go insane.

We purchased water, eggs, and bread. We also bought some beer. Miz Perfect's hands were trembling. She's been suffering from out-of-control Grave's Disease for the last three years. She recently had her thyroid removed with radiation. But her eyes are still bugged-out and her emotional state remains a roller-coaster ride. Grave's Disease is pure hell.

I said, "Do you want to eat dinner at a restaurant?"

She said, "What lestaulant?"

"How about the beef buffet?"

So that's what we did. We drove to an eatery named Muso. For twenty dollars a person, you can consume all the beef your stomach can hold. I like the joint. I drank soju with my meal.

Then one of my former co-workers came inside. I waved to her, and we spoke. I felt uncomfortable. I used to work at a Christian school, so drinking is a controversial issue. Some think it's OK while others view it as sin.

I devoured a ton of meat. I weigh 250 pounds. I'm a morbidly obese fat man. I also drank two bottles of soju. What can I say? My blood is bacon grease and my urine is pure alcohol.

Later that night, I took a shower. When I stepped outside, I couldn't find my glasses.

I said, "I can't see a thing. Where are my glasses?"

Miz Perfect said, "I crean dem now."

"Tell me when you're finished."

"You shut da mouth."

"I can't even watch the television without them."

"I tole you to shut da mouth. Now I not give you da grasses."

So I sat on the sofa blind for about fifteen minutes. Then I found the spectacles resting on the kitchen countertop. Naturally, I put them on. Miz Perfect experienced an extreme episode of Grave's rage.

"Give me da grasses, or I bleak you computa. I put it in da wata."

She started walking toward the sink. I managed to wrestle my laptop away from her. But my resistance drove her to the point of lunacy. She kicked me several times in the thigh with her right foot. Her blows hurt like hell. After that, she smashed a plastic serving tray over my head. It broke into a million pieces.

Eventually, Miz Perfect regained her senses, and I went to bed. But here's the point. It's unacceptable for a woman to hit a man. It's abuse.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Where are the kids with Down's Syndrome?

(I never see children with Down's Syndrome.)

I've been married to a Korean woman for eighteen years. And it's been quite challenging. I call her Miz Perfect. Our cultures are completely different--which often leads to bitter disputes. Yesterday was a case in point. She scolded me for being too honest.

Miz Perfect said, "I rie to my fliend at party. I tell her dat we meet in Amelica."

My youngest son Rice-Boy Larry recently had a party to say goodbye to his friends. He ate lots of cake and received cool presents.

I got a little bit angry. I'm not smart enough to lie. I can never remember what I lied about, and I end up looking like a fool.

I said, "It's just best to tell the truth. Besides, all my students know that we met in Daejeon. So she'll eventually find out that you aren't telling the truth."

"You da stoopid man. Why you tell da twooth? Dey know we meet in da ba?"

"I didn't tell them that we met in a bar. I told them we met in a restaurant."

Miz Perfect gave me an evil smirk of triumph. "Den you da riar, too. We not meet in da lestaulant. We meet in da ba."

"Technically, it was a restaurant. It served fried squid and anchovies. Food equals restaurant."

I always lose these arguments.

I watched several episodes of Game of Thrones. Season seven is right around the corner, and I can't remember what happened in season six. I'm a big fan of the series. The show is filled with outrageous violence, and it's impossible to predict who is going to die next. I believe that the girl with the silver hair and the three dragons will eventually win the throne. But what do I know?

Later in the day, I walked to a restaurant with my family. I noticed that I didn't see any kids with Down's Syndrome. I never see them. In America, Walmart is filled with children who have various mental and physical shortcomings. Yet they seem to be pretty much nonexistent here on the peninsula. Where are they? Have they been aborted? Are they crammed into a special house? I just don't know. It vexes me.

We ate overpriced shellfish. One little plate in the center of our table cost thirty dollars. I drank two bottles of soju. I became quite drunk.

My oldest son Ken told me that he's an atheist.

He said, "Dad, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in an all-knowing God and a devil with goat horns."

I said, "That's OK, son. You're old enough to believe what you want to believe."

When I was his age, I was an atheist, too. It's all part of the spiritual journey. Besides, I didn't have the energy to argue. My boy was trying to harsh my buzz, and I simply refused to take the bait.

We took a taxi home. I said the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. Later, I slept like the dead.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

My last day at work

(Off to China)

Yesterday was my last day at work. So I had to give a short speech to all the middle and high school students. The closing ceremony was held at a local church. The students are now officially on summer break. There were about three hundred people in attendance.

The middle school director said some nice words about me. He told the kids that I had been with the institution for nearly seven years. He also said that he's going to miss me. Then he called me to the stage.

Standing behind the pulpit, I soon realized that being a pastor must be daunting work. You'd certainly have to be comfortable speaking in front of large crowds. I felt quite nervous and jittery. But I had to say something. Standing there like a wooden statue simply wasn't an option.

I cleared my throat. "I came to Korea in 2009 with my family, and my goal was to make a lot of money. As many of you know, English is a billion dollar industry here in your country. I wanted to deliver private lessons to young kids and get rich in the process. By 2011, I had an apartment picked out in Daejeon. It was the perfect location... building after building after building. I was well on my way to making a fortune."

I had their attention.

"Alas, my strategy failed. Life had other plans for me. My oldest child sucked at Korean and was falling behind in school. Meanwhile, my youngest kid could barely speak a word of English. So I really needed this job so that my children could get a bilingual education. But the first year was tough. I was a chain-smoker, and I had to quit or risk getting fired. It was a hard deal. I smoked two packs a day at the time. Thankfully, with the power of God, I managed to conquer my filthy habit. I'm no longer a drug addict."

Big applause.

"And the Christian education my sons received was first-class. My children succeeded academically as they grew spiritually. My oldest son is currently in the States, and he's doing great. He just made a B in honors geometry--which is a heck of a lot better than I ever did. He learned his good habits right here. He plans on becoming a registered nurse. Furthermore, my youngest child is now fluent in two languages. He speaks both English and Korean like a native. Nevertheless, it's time for me to move along."

I then gave the reasons for my departure.

"Some of you might be curious as to why I'm leaving. So let me be completely honest. First, I'm 48-years-old, and I want a new adventure before I die. I don't have much time left. Secondly, I've always wanted to live in China. I hear the food is excellent. Shanghai specializes in crawfish. My mouth is watering as I think about it. Third, the job pays a little more than I'm currently earning--which certainly doesn't hurt. So I want to wish you the best of luck in the future. And I certainly hope that God will bless you all."

The middle school director prayed for me. Then I left the stage and walked back to my chair. I felt great. My plane to Shanghai leaves on August 21st.