Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Asperger's Syndrome

(I can't get the hamburger out of my ass.)

Yesterday, I had this terrible dream about being in prison. Several grown men blocked my way as I tried to go to the cafeteria. They told me that they were going to rape me. I reported their behavior to the prison pastor, but she just gave me an evil smirk. I also told the guards, but they said it wasn't their problem. I suddenly remembered that I'm a 250 pound healthy man. I used my fists to beat these criminals into submission. It felt great.

I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read Facebook while enjoying a bathroom break. A drug deal went wrong in Pennsylvania. Four young men tried to buy marijuana from two dangerous psychopaths. The psychopaths murdered all four and buried their bodies on a spacious farm. The two criminals agreed to cooperate with police to avoid the death penalty. They will spend the rest of their lives in prison.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry went to an outdoor swimming pool. Larry's school friends were there, too. These little parties cost a lot of money. I can't wait till I go to China. Miz Perfect can't speak a word of Chinese, so she'll have a tough time making friends with the Asian mothers. This lack of communication should save me a few bucks.

I was supposed to go to school. I need to clean my classroom. Plus I have lots of i's to dot and t's to cross. But I was just too lazy. I stayed home and watched television instead. I'm currently enjoying the American version of Mad Dogs. It's about four regular guys who get caught up in a drug deal gone bad. The setting is Belize. The show comes with my highest recommendation.

My eldest son Ken woke up at 3 p.m. He drank several bottles of water.

He said, "I'm going to the PC room."

I said, "Aren't you hungry?"

"No. Mom's food is giving me the runs."

"So what are you going to eat?"

"Tell her to buy me some fast food. I'll be home at eleven."

He walked out the door.

Ken often breaks the law. Minors are supposed to leave the PC room at 10 p.m. But he pretends that he doesn't speak Korean, so the manager just lets him stay.

Miz Perfect and Rice-Boy Larry returned at 9:45 p.m. She brought home two Big Macs and two large orders of French fries. My wife's a clean freak, so she had to lay down newspaper on the coffee table before serving the fare. The meal was delicious. I love junk food.

Ken showed up about an hour later. He got very excited when he saw the McDonald's bag.

He pumped his fist in the air and yelled, "Hell yes!"

Ken looked at me. "I'm going to ask you a strange question."


"Do you think I have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"No. There's nothing wrong with you."

"You don't even know what Asperger's Syndrome is."

"Sure I do."

"What is it?"

"It's when you have a hamburger stuck up your ass, and you can't get it out."

"That's stupid."

I shrugged my shoulders. Then I said my prayers and went to bed.


  1. prison pastors are not always that bad.

    plus, we are under a lot of pressure to produce results.

    1. Hi Anonymous.

      I've never actually been to prison. But I'm sure your job is difficult. It was just a dream.


  2. dude, reading these stories helped me realize I did the right thing in breaking up with the Kgirl, who wanted a family, and wanted me in her giant dragon claw.

    I feel sorry for you

  3. From my observations, about 50% of well-to-do American males in their teens to early twenties have Asperger's or a similar disorder. Sad.